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20 December 2008

The Great Leap Forward (minus China)

I haven't really seen anyone so far this break (three days? four? five?) and have become quite the recluse. It's not that I want to break off ties from my Corpus friends...it's just that I want to be alone right now. I'm simply reflecting, reflecting on myself, my life, those around me, the world before and behind me. I sound quite narcissistic contemplating all these vague concepts surrounding only myself...but what else are we to know?

I am not who I thought I was.

In my sociology class this year, we talked about how the West emphasizes finding oneself (as opposed to doing all those other things in life, like think about it in general). We are so disconnected, our minds and our bodies, that we feel that we must rediscover both of them. And we do, we must. That is what college is for, reconnecting the two halves of the self that was torn asunder by The System (which created college as well, in that mindfucking irony). Right now, I'm attempting to restore my mind to...to what? Maybe restore isn't the best verb. I'm no English major.

I find it odd that I missed him when I wrote that last sentence. It was something I would have said with that smirk on my face that I knew made him mad (for me). He would have responded with his personal adage, "Laura, you know I'm not a good English major. I fucking hate grammar." And I would have rolled my eyes (and hated that I did so).

I had a rare conversation with my mom today, rare in that we spoke of life on the personal level. We're good at the philosophical level, the hypothetical level, but we generally fail at anything personal simply because we do not try to talk personally. But today I took a leap and landed on my feet, her hand guiding me.

I told her about the situation with S (you know who I'm talking about, but I like to pretend to be mysterious), minus the painful details about the true nature of our relationship. I told her that we were just friends but that he wanted more, and when I told him it wouldn't happen, he said he could not be my friend anymore. I was upset, telling her that it was childish of him to respond that way. Why couldn't he just give it up and let things be the way they could be?

But she reminded me that once that leap is taken, neither can go back up to where they jumped from. If one of the two wants to go back to the way things were and the other doesn't, they simply cannot sync any longer. It would be too imbalanced, too painful, too unnecessary. Not worth it for either involved. And she reminded me that I probably (definitely) hurt him and shouldn't think that just because I wasn't hurt that he too would be fine.

But maybe I am hurt. (?)

He asked me to take a leap and I couldn't. What does that say about me?

I don't know. I really just want to have a conversation with him now, ex post facto. Our last conversation...I just cut him off. I wrote before about why I was upset, but that didn't give me a reason to thrust my anger out into the open like that. He grabbed my arm before I left, tried to say something, but I pulled away from him. I pulled away from him. And then I left.

Anyways, I didn't start out writing this as (another) post-relationship blog. I really wanted to talk about something else even more depressing.

So I saw Seven Pounds today, you know, that remake of the Pursuit of Happ(y)ness, but more depressing. It was generally good, minus how contrived it was in the end (and how much that ruined the mood) and how many tears I had to stifle.

It made me think about death and life, in that order. I imagined what I would feel like if I knew I only had a month or so to live, depending on when my heart decided it was time. We all pretend to understand that we will die someday, but inside we believe ourselves to be immortal. To have that crushed, to have a time limit on your survival that you can hear if you quiet your world down and listen to the beat...unimaginable. I imagined how I would spend time with everyone I love, how I would memorize each movement, each word, each detail of every moment just to live life more abundantly. Make up for lost time, ahead of time.

And thinking of that makes me want to cry...(I am). I think of certain people - my parents, my sister, J, DD, C - and instead of thinking of dying, I think of how much I love them. I really am so full of love it hurts.

I've done a certain kind of meditation a couple of times before where I think of a certain person I care about and then think only positive thoughts toward him/her. In this meditation, you concentrate all your positive energy on that person (and if any negative energy emerges, like from a past fight let's say, then I reabsorb it into myself so as to not taint that positive flow...then I convert it to positivity). Although I haven't become very advanced at this method, in theory you are supposed to work your way to larger groups, including people you don't know, until eventually you only have good feelings for everyone and everything in the universe. A lofty goal, indeed, but it makes you feel so much better afterwards. Giving is receiving.

I think life is beautiful, and that beauty generally outweighs the ugly. (I stole that from someone who was much too wise for me at the time.) There is so much majesty to behold - a smile, a couple's love, a plastic bag dancing in the wind - that the perfection of it all...well, that perfection trumps any suffering. Yes, I sound anti-Buddhist, but that's not my angle. Life is suffering until you can see the beauty (and liberate yourself from desire, blablabla).

I found something beautiful today, something old but something lovely. Andrew Bird singing Weather Systems and Spare-Ohs through the streets of a French town...just amazing...filmed by the same lovely people (La Blogotheque) who brought us the downright epic film of Arcade Fire singing Neon Bible in the elevator. Yeah, I know, I'm still in awe of the very mainstream of "indie," but I'm branching out. Thanks last.fm!

(See how much beautiful music raised my spirits? That's the beauty of...beauty.)

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