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22 December 2008

Cynicism's Vulgar Resurrection

[Disclaimer: I probably won't be this upset, cynical, or vulgar this time tomorrow. This was written in anger, frustration, and despair. I should probably keep this to myself, but I wouldn't want to disappoint you stalkers. And I just cut out the cruelest part of the note...it's probably better not online.]

An interesting development tonight in the S situation furthered my romantic cynicism. I had softened up a bit in my lack of relationships, forgotten how much bullshit you have to put up with. I forgot how to read through the crap to understand what's really going on. When you're with someone, you have to learn to hold their words up to the light at that perfect angle so you can see what they really mean.

I won't make the situation any stickier than what it already is. I know I shouldn't be writing about it so soon after the fact (or at least so soon after I found out), but I need to cope. To make a story as succinct as necessary, S moved on much too quickly for his words of love. And it hurt.

(This is where I said "fuck" about twenty fucking times. Oh, self-censorship!)

Okay, now for why it hurt.

Lately it seems like any relationship I am in (or near-relationship) ends with the guy saying, "Well I like you, but there's someone else that I want to see." Only once did this happen (this summer) when I wasn't upset. That was under special circumstances, but every single other time hurt me incredibly. I wish I could be the other woman but I'm always the one who gets fucked over. Why do guys feel like I'm good...but not as good as X?

To top it off, I'm sick and fucking tired of guys saying stupid shit like, "I love you," "You're amazing," "You make me so happy," "I need you." Hey gentlemen, news flash - I'm onto you. You don't fucking love me and you don't fucking need me. Whatever hormones you have flowing through your veins just makes you want to screw me, not marry me and have babies with me and get that house with the picket fence. Don't give me bullshit about how awesome I am and how amazing you feel when you're with me because you will get over it. Wait a few goddamn months and then if you feel the same way, okay, we'll talk. Until then...well, shut the hell up. I don't want to hear any of the crap you think you feel or you think you need to say.

Most of the time if I heard a girl saying stuff like this I'd tell her that the guys are probably just trying to get into her pants. But if you could have seen the looks in some of their faces...Jesus Christ, they all think that whatever we had was monumental, once-in-a-lifetime awesomeness. I tell all of them that I'm not into that romantic crap, but they all say they can't help it. They're just dying to tell me about this thing called love that they found with me. Whatever. Besides, they're much more likely to get into my pants if they don't mess around with all that crap.

So maybe I should be happy that S reminded me about all this. I had grown so soft and malleable thinking that maybe his love really was real, and even though I couldn't reciprocate...it just made me feel better about life in general. Oh Laura, such a simple mistake shouldn't have been made by a woman like you!

Now, before anyone gives my words the wrong meaning, let me get this straight - I believe in "love." Quotations because there are so many kinds of love, but the romantic type is the first one thought of when the word is mentioned. I have loved before and will always love that person for as long as I live. I think I've written about this before, about how it's very, very rare and very, very precious, blablabla.

But now for the addition to my theory. People are so ready to fall in love because we are all so painfully lonely and scared of solitude. Sometimes loneliness in people is almost tangible. I remember this girl in my biology class this year who was very lovely but very lonely. I could sense it, but that sadness strangely made her beautiful to me. But most times that loneliness sits beneath the surface, threatening to raise its ugly head with the slightest provocation - an insult, a meeting stood-up, an eventless weekend. And when we feel this innate human tendency toward loneliness, we crave romantic love.

This is dangerous. Sad people clinging to others for affirmation of their desirability...not healthy.

So these lonely people want to be loved in all the ways they could never love themselves, so they give their "love" freely. They will love whatever loves them. It's not a selfish aspect, just a human one. We like to feel needed. (I am guilty of this.)

I remember hearing a long time ago that you can never truly love someone unless you love yourself first. This makes complete sense to me now. If you're not longing to be wanted, you can love someone for who they are, not for how they make you feel. Now that I think of it, that summer that I first loved was the first time I had been in a relationship while feeling good about myself. I was young and loved the world at my feet and myself as I walked it. I was able to give of myself to him without needing anything in return. Ever since then (and before then too), I have been at odds with myself, unsure of my feelings about who I am. I dislike my body, feel inadequate in class, and hate how I treat people. (I'll get into how I'm going to fix this in another blog, but it's quite good and I'm aching to write about it...just not now.)

But once in a while, two self-loving people find one another and truly love.

And it is beautiful.

But most times, they're just two sad, lonely fucks.

[After about 20 minutes of music-searching, I finally settled on Bert Jansch's "Needle of Death" to write this to. Somehow Vivaldi, Damien Rice, Joe Purdy, and Isobel Campbell just didn't work out.]

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