Air for G String

Apparently huge cinder blocks hold in the heat better than my 20-year old house. I'm back in Corpus, freezing in my room upstairs that never seemed to get quite warm enough during the winters of my childhood (oh, those horrid Texas winters!). As a kid, I always wanted to have that white Christmas and those elusive snow days, but now that I'm a semi-adult I can see why grown-ups hate cold weather. It sucks. The snow is fun until it melts, the ice is funny until someone gets hurt, and the pain in your joints during the changing weather is crappy until, well, the weather changes.

I'm happy to be in Texas right now.

So another development in my life - the ending of a mutually understood heterosexual arrangement. While he asked me not to write about it, I will in a very responsible way. I have nothing bad to say about him and neither do I want to hurt him in any way. I hope, if he reads this, he will understand that writing is my way of coping with these distasteful developments in life and that I am incapable of restraining myself from it.

And here. We. Go.

In the beginning of round two, we decided not to go out with each other but to keep some of the advantages of a formal relationship. Interpret as you will. That was phase one, which last a whole of a week or so.

Phase two lasted a week for me and until last night for him. This was when we discovered some feelings that had been lodged in our throats since round one. We had a discussion about it, during which I understood that we were going to keep things as they were. He's leaving in May, after all, and we were happy at that moment, so why bother messing it up with the expectations of a relationship? After this conversation, I dislodged the remaining feelings from my trachea and returned to phase one.

We framed our relationship to each other differently. I framed it as a mutualistic relationship where we both used each other, both benefited, and were both protected from emotional damage. He framed it as a Relationship. That's right, capital R.

I should have said something earlier when I first realized this disparity in definition. But my mouth stayed closed. I was still getting what I wanted, he was delighting in his delusion, so why bother that?

Because it's hurtful.

It's so hurtful that he can't be my friend if there is no "girl" in front of it. I took so long that by the time I blew the whistle, he was already framing himself to my contours. Now he's hurt and either can't see me at all or must be "seeing" me.

I became angry when he told me this last night. Selfishly. I was so overcome with disgust that he couldn't cordon off his emotions like I did, angry that he had ruined a perfectly good arrangement. He was kind enough to drop me off at my room in the freezing weather, but I still wanted to leave my hand print on his cheek.

And that was The End.

I don't know why I have become so disillusioned with love that I can drop my feelings more quickly than my pants. I haven't had any more heartache than most women my age. I haven't had an evil, psychotic boyfriend since my junior year of high school. But then, neither have I had someone I truly wanted to love.

No, I don't believe that you have to want to love someone in order to fall in love with him/her, because then forbidden love would be mythical. You love whomever you love, but when you want to love that person on top of that...wow. I've just been at a loss for wows lately.

Not that he's a bad guy, either. He's a great person. He's intelligent, kind, and gentle. He always listens, never complains, and tries to understand you to your innermost core. He's a steady man, flawed with too much generosity, unwavering in his ardent outpouring of affection.

But free spirits like me (he used that term) can't even feel like they're being tied down. Although we agreed to cap the relationship at May, it felt like everything had ended. I had already lived every day of us that I could. So, yes, the flaw of the agreement was me. You can't make two incongruous puzzle pieces fit together, try as you might. And yes, I accept the responsibility and apologize for remaining silent so long.

Now, I know some people (guys) might be reading this thinking, "Holy cow, Laura's fucking single! Now's the time to make the move!" But gee whiz, people, I'm obviously not looking for that right now. I'm just looking for air. I need to breathe and clear all the smoke from past relationships/arrangements/crushes that I've had since puberty. My mind needs rest, my body needs solitude.

[Call me in a month or so...]