sobriety

Life is good again.

Something changed in me this weekend. Whether it be my hormones rebalancing themselves or a spiritual alteration, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel free from myself and yet intimately intertwined with everyone else.

Driving gives you a lot of time to think alone. People forget that they need time to ponder their life and their universe by themselves - too often this is done at a coffeeshop, where you're still putting on an act, or in the presence of others, like in a dorm room or library. Complete privacy is pertinent, and while I guess you can argue that other people can see you in your car if they really want to, cars count as alone time. This is why people like driving long distances alone so much. Sure, the scenery is nice, but the resulting relaxation is all about the meditation you perform with or without knowing it.

I thought a lot about Matt, this guy I went to high school with who just died of cancer. I don't know if I ever spoke to him and if I did it was something stupid like "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" or "What's the imperative tense?" We had Spanish together sophomore year (for clarification). He seemed like a nice enough kid, cute, athletic, and daringly flirtacious with Mrs. Salinas. I might have thought he was too cocky for my taste at one time, but now I think of it more as self-assurance, a confidence that other guys his age had not yet mastered, and probably will never.

I learned that he died on Facebook, of all places, and for some reason it hit me really hard. I knew he had cancer and had overheard from a few people that he was looking kind of bad before we graduated, but I figured that he wouldn't die. We are too young to die.

Seeing his obituary was otherworldly. I'm about to turn 20, and seeing the two and zero next to his name forced me to confront my own mortality.

I drove home from Corpus very carefully.

Thinking of this now, I feel like I'm sober for the first time in my life. Putting things into perspective, I should be more considerate of myself. After all these years of trying not to hurt anyone else's feelings, of putting others before myself and thinking of their wellbeing, shouldn't I watch my own footing? Maybe I shouldn't drink so much. Maybe I should never smoke another cigarette. Maybe I should work out more often and eat right. Maybe I should drive more carefully and check the street before I cross it. Maybe I shouldn't put myself into compromising situations.

I am alive, but not for long.

To top this all off, I have no idea what happens after death. I've kinda kicked that whole heaven and hell idea, but what does that leave me? I want to believe in reincarnation, but I need a foundation. Now, more than ever, I am drawn to the spiritual.

We are alive, but not for long.