the crossing of the fingers

So much has changed since I last wrote. In regard to the whole heartbreak thing - well, I've taken care of it the same way that I have always done. By finding someone else.

I feel as if I should actually be feeling some kind of guilt for moving on so quickly. I was with him for over a year, by far a record for myself, and our lives continue to be intricately intertwined. And I loved him. Still love him in a different way, but I nonetheless continue to love him. So why am I not feeling so incredibly guilty for falling all over someone else less than a month after we called it quits?

Maybe it's because we fell apart so slowly that I've had time to kinda just let go. Maybe it's because I already had my official rebound with someone I already regret, so that's out of the way. Maybe it's because I know that he was doing something similar to me the entire time that I'm allowing myself to abandon the idea of us/him very quickly.

Or maybe it's because this guy is a really, really good guy. Granted, I don't know him very well yet, not at all, but I trust Rachel's judgment and I can usually read people pretty well. Most of the other guys I've dated, well, I've only been halfway into the relationship the entire time because I could just feel that it wasn't right. This isn't like that. Not at all. I mean, I do have my reservations - mainly what the hell are we thinking getting into this, whatever it is, so close to graduation? And long-distance?

But I've never been one to write something off just because the timing was off. I'm too much of a romantic for that. And honestly, after what I've been through this past semester, I think I can handle a shit ton of heartbreak. Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea, right?

But no, seriously, I haven't been excited about someone like this in so long. It feels remarkably good. I kinda feel like he's pretty much what I've always wanted in a guy (to start out with, you know - it's not like people come pre-packaged with all the right bells and whistles or something). Tall, dark, handsome, smart, funny, motivated. I have a lot to learn about him, and he about me, and who knows - maybe something will come up that completely disgusts one of us and is a game-ender. But obviously I really hope that doesn't happen.

Sometimes I feel like everyone else that I went to school with - the one who got pregnant, or married, or whatever - are actually braver than I have ever been. They followed their hearts, and even though I'll judge them for "fucking up their lives," part of me still wonders what would have happened if I had chosen something similar. In the end, life would be a lot harder - based on money and children and whatnot - and maybe even divorce - but it seems like they did exactly what they wanted to do. And yes, college was exactly what I wanted to do (and it is definitely not a mistake), but it involves sacrifices. I really don't think that you can have everything at this age. Maybe not ever. But hey, it's worth trying, right?

I have no idea what to expect this coming semester. So much is up in the air - what universities I will be accepted and denied to, what the Peace Corps thinks, what happens with me and new guy, how the dynamics between me and Matt work out, what internship/volunteer position I settle on - and somehow I'm okay with this. My time here in Corpus is spent in suspension. I have time to reflect on everything that has happened, prepare for what might happen, and keep my fingers crossed for everything I have always wanted.