the boy who rounded his words

tell me your words

and kiss my eyelids with

the surprise of a newborn

in heels.

try me.

eat my heart out through

my loins.

I will spread my legs and dance

along your thin,

giving lips.

paint me like one of your french

girls.

lay my feet along the right path,

the groove along your sinews

and rolling spine and lengthy

calves.

I have always been yours,

drawn from your ribs,

written with your fingers.

tell me you want my

children.

I will drink you

into my veins,

transforming lust to life.

speak to me, now.

tell me what births

I may someday give.

new meaning

put this balm on

the curve of my back and say

it will all be

okay, again.

remind me of the round tips

of your prodding fingers and

how they release the words from my

throat as misty, soundless gasps of

this simple meaning, this

yearning thirst.

speechless, I will teach you

my smell.

taste and become

yourself at sixteen,

painting me as your signature with

reaching arms as a resurrected woman

made youthful again in her own youth.

search my hands for

petals and laughter and

tell me my smell

becomes you.

the wonder of green

I loved you before

my snow-scraped boots nestled

against kilimanjaro's curved back and

before

my lips began to taste

of something other than self,

of those ones I dipped into searching for your

apple-scented taste,

green and delightful.

I loved you before

my breasts ripened and

my hips widened with their expectation of

the bountiful life

that I hoped contained you,

even still.

I loved you before

-I know this -

because of how we danced our

characters together along

the seam of the aged dorm couch,

wisened by cheap beer and unrequited

everythings.

I loved you before

my knees learned yoga and

before

I uncovered my uncanny touch that

still calls men's names from england,

mexico, honduras.

I loved you before

this weekend

when I taught you

this touch

once again and

I loved you even after

we delicately lay in your parents' bed

covered in the wonder of green

ripeness,

allowing the gravity to tiptoe

our fingers closer.

I will slide along

the creases of these wrinkled sheets,

ever decreasing our distance,

never again to reach

such great proportions.

enclosed, enticed, enraptured.

inside of you are
the notes of the song I have written
the refrain that tears
my cords with
the beauty of the high.
it is upon us.

we will lay here inhaling
the scent of bottled flowers
pretending time will allow us
to pull the air into our lungs weakened
by hours intertwined
with the skin of our dewy bodies.
it will never wrinkle,
our eyelids never dim or close,
the dust become us
as we are all we ever were
or are
or will
or can be
for we are all.

and so they go -
these days pregnant with
the hope of the senior waiting for the letter
her heart confident but mind still
ever-so-rational -
panicking -
yet bound
to the knowledge that
tomorrow will care for itself
and coffee will forever taste the same on
her waiting tongue.
so the scent behind your ear
will intoxicate my cells tomorrow and
when I no longer recognize your face or
my children's.

so memorize me here
memorize me now
taste my tears and the skin along
the softest parts of my yearning body and
know that it is yours.

Joy

There is really nothing more to say than that I am extremely happy. I got into Johns (fucking) Hopkins and Emory, and I have the greatest boyfriend I could ask for (minus his whole "I go to A&M thing). I feel like I have been waiting for this moment for years. I'm afraid to breathe or it may pop.

fairytale lullaby

Nothing really new here, but I feel like writing. I've been spending my boring days doing not much but thinking about all the things I need to do but not doing them - mainly planning my spring break trip with my mom to visit grad schools. I'm so incredibly bummed to be missing SXSW this year. Last year was a lot of fun, but I think this semester is finally going to be the semester that I let loose and just have a damn good time.

[I edited out this paragraph because it made me sound like a problem drinker, which really isn't what I want to convey. So on to my new boo!]

He really is a darling. He's one of those people that is just so good that you don't really understand how it's possible that he hasn't been eaten up by all the bad ones out there. I know I'm biased, but I trust Rachel's sense of judgment and her long friendship with him. He's a good person, one that I'm never unsure about his true intentions or feelings, one that I know isn't just in it for himself. He's a true romantic, and it just feels oh-so-comfortable to let myself fall into it.

He makes me feel good about myself after a time when I always blamed myself for pretty much everything. I really hope I make him feel good about himself because he deserves it so much.

I think he's pretty much the only person that I feel content waiting for...physically. Not that it's just him that wants to wait - it's definitely me as well - just that we both know that it's a better idea not to get it too complicated already with sex. To those who know me well, this is probably a complete and utter shock. I've always been the one to hop on (hah!) and immediately enjoy the ride (haha!), but not this time. This time just being around him is enough, and soon enough we'll make the decision to move forward and it will be better (I hope!). Until then, no complaining from me, just simple pleasure.

Other than him, I feel like I'm holding my breath in life, just waiting for grad schools to decide whether to allow me in or not, whether to give me money or not, blahblahblah. Until then, I just have to wait, wait, and wait some more. I feel like there's not much reason to pick up a new internship, hobby, volunteer position, etc. just because what's the point when you're going to be leaving so soon? But then I think, damn, I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and only 12 hours at that, and a small research assistant position that will be over sooner than I think. So I'll probably end up volunteering somewhere, finally contributing a little back to society during these free days.

These days really are some of the last free ones I'll get. I'll be relatively free of incredibly demanding school. Free of money issues while my parents finish paying my school and living expenses for undergrad. Free of the drama of my past relationship. Free of a real job. Then after these days, after May, I'll be (hopefully) going into grad school - demanding school, taking out student loans - in debt for years to come, possibly (and this is a big question mark) figuring out how to continue this relationship - added relationship drama, and getting a job of some sort to pay for my very existence - going into the real world. These things are not very exciting for me at all.

But overall, besides these temporarily imagined stresses, I am incredibly, incredibly happy. Sure my apartment gets quite lonely at times (and even a little scary) and I feel quite restless during those times, but life is overall pretty amazing. It might be due in part to some awesome new music that I downloaded lately. Currently - Bombay Bicycle Club's album Flaws. Good stuff.

reallllly?

So we made it happen! And it was purely awesome, purely, purely awesome. It just seems so natural, so real, and not quick at all (even though when I realize that it is in the grand scheme of things, so what?). He's a good guy, an experienced guy in the best sense, and quite the charmer. But now I'm about to start seriously gushing, which makes me feel silly, so now I shall bitch.

My last relationship was a good one overall. The most functional overall. Until near the end, when everything that I had founded it on was shattered. I can't write the exact details of what happened in case this gets out through friends and whatnot, but I can say that my trust was completely broken. My very life was treated as inconsequential and I questioned some of my strongest beliefs. It was more complicated than that - in that I don't belief that he intended to hurt me with his actions due to some issues that he still has to resolve - but in the end, it was what it was.

We still talk, so I told him the other day that I was seeing someone else - not dating yet, but talking. I figured he would find out sooner or later and better through me than through someone else (or the Internet). He responded pretty casually - "okay, cool," "yup, that's fine," etc. and then mentioned that he was going to try to hook up with a stranger at a party he was going to. I figured that was his knee-jerk reaction - she's seeing someone so he has to prove that he's still desirable or whatever - but that he was serious about it and ready to move on.

I contemplated keeping my new relationship private from him on Facebook, but with the number of friends we have in common I figured it would be useless, even demeaning to him. So I put it up without keeping it from him. I mean, I had talked to him before about the likelihood that it would evolve into a real relationship. And frankly, I don't need his permission to do anything, but I'm a nice girl and wanted to be considerate.

But then I tried talking to him today, days after it went online, and he was very standoffish. Then, after strained conversation for about fifteen minutes, he finally told me that he wasn't okay with it and that it really bothered him. He said he couldn't even talk to me until he could do it in person (or something to that effect). I was nice and said that I didn't mean to hurt him and that I wanted our post-relationship relationship to stay the same.

But what I really wanted to say was this: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SO UPSET THAT I AM SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN YOU (PRACTICALLY) WERE THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER.

But I'm too nice to say that. He has some serious issues he needs to work on, and I figured that I might as well keep that to myself because there's no point arguing anymore. I can write to get it off my chest and that's really all I need right now.

The healthiest thing I've done this break is get into another relationship. My reasoning? If I didn't then I would be tempted to get back into the old one, opening myself up to dangers to my psychological and physical well-being. Now I'm not just using the new relationship for that end - if anything, that's a welcome side effect. I'm totally into him because I am into him, pure and simple.

Yay! I'm happy again.