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03 January 2011

reallllly?

So we made it happen! And it was purely awesome, purely, purely awesome. It just seems so natural, so real, and not quick at all (even though when I realize that it is in the grand scheme of things, so what?). He's a good guy, an experienced guy in the best sense, and quite the charmer. But now I'm about to start seriously gushing, which makes me feel silly, so now I shall bitch.

My last relationship was a good one overall. The most functional overall. Until near the end, when everything that I had founded it on was shattered. I can't write the exact details of what happened in case this gets out through friends and whatnot, but I can say that my trust was completely broken. My very life was treated as inconsequential and I questioned some of my strongest beliefs. It was more complicated than that - in that I don't belief that he intended to hurt me with his actions due to some issues that he still has to resolve - but in the end, it was what it was.

We still talk, so I told him the other day that I was seeing someone else - not dating yet, but talking. I figured he would find out sooner or later and better through me than through someone else (or the Internet). He responded pretty casually - "okay, cool," "yup, that's fine," etc. and then mentioned that he was going to try to hook up with a stranger at a party he was going to. I figured that was his knee-jerk reaction - she's seeing someone so he has to prove that he's still desirable or whatever - but that he was serious about it and ready to move on.

I contemplated keeping my new relationship private from him on Facebook, but with the number of friends we have in common I figured it would be useless, even demeaning to him. So I put it up without keeping it from him. I mean, I had talked to him before about the likelihood that it would evolve into a real relationship. And frankly, I don't need his permission to do anything, but I'm a nice girl and wanted to be considerate.

But then I tried talking to him today, days after it went online, and he was very standoffish. Then, after strained conversation for about fifteen minutes, he finally told me that he wasn't okay with it and that it really bothered him. He said he couldn't even talk to me until he could do it in person (or something to that effect). I was nice and said that I didn't mean to hurt him and that I wanted our post-relationship relationship to stay the same.

But what I really wanted to say was this: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SO UPSET THAT I AM SEEING SOMEONE ELSE WHEN YOU (PRACTICALLY) WERE THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER.

But I'm too nice to say that. He has some serious issues he needs to work on, and I figured that I might as well keep that to myself because there's no point arguing anymore. I can write to get it off my chest and that's really all I need right now.

The healthiest thing I've done this break is get into another relationship. My reasoning? If I didn't then I would be tempted to get back into the old one, opening myself up to dangers to my psychological and physical well-being. Now I'm not just using the new relationship for that end - if anything, that's a welcome side effect. I'm totally into him because I am into him, pure and simple.

Yay! I'm happy again.

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